Walking Alongside Grief: My Person-Centred Approach

Grief is something that touches us all, though it rarely feels the same for any two people. For me, grief isn’t something to be “fixed” or moved through in a straight line, it’s an experience that reshapes us, sometimes in ways that feel unbearable. However, I do believe grief can be an experience that transforms us gently if we are given the space to feel it fully.

I see that grief asks to be witnessed, honoured and given room to breathe in whatever form it takes. Whether that’s tears, silence, laughter, numbness or anger, every expression has meaning. My role is to create a warm and accepting space where a person can show up exactly as they are, without the pressure to be okay or to grieve in a certain way.

Sometimes I’m asked whether my personal beliefs about grief differ from my professional ones. What I’ve noticed is more of a difference in how I am with grief, depending on whether I’m with a friend or family member or with a client. In my personal life, I often find myself wanting the people I love to be okay and to feel some relief. With clients however, I don’t carry that same need. I can sit with the reality that they may not be okay for some time, while still trusting that they will be okay eventually, in their own way and at their own pace. Letting go of the need for clients to “be okay” can be very healing because it gives them the freedom to experience grief in the way that feels right for them, rather than in a way that might comfort others.

In the most part, my personal and professional beliefs are deeply intertwined. Personally, I know how grief can shift the ground beneath your feet and alter your sense of self. Professionally, my belief is the same; grief is not something to get over, but something to make space for so that you can live with it. The other difference is that in my work, I hold boundaries and use techniques that allow me to stay fully present with someone else’s grief while making sure I don’t lose sight of my own.

Those boundaries have taken time to shape. Sitting with another’s deep sorrow can stir echoes of my own. When a client’s loss mirrors something I’ve experienced, I notice it quietly within myself. Sometimes my body reacts before my mind; my hands tighten or my eyes well up. I don’t ignore these feelings because they remind me that I’m human too, but I keep the focus on my client. The gift of person-centred counselling is that my own humanity; my tears and my moments of quiet, can model what it looks like to be with grief honestly.

Being truly alongside someone in their grief is hard to describe. There’s a tenderness to it and a quiet courage in simply being with what feels unbearable. At times, I can feel physically weighed down if I take in too much of a client’s pain, like carrying something heavy in my body. I will say, I only notice this after sessions, not during. This is why it’s so important for me to soothe myself after a heavy session. I do this by acknowledging how I feel (often by talking to myself) then taking time to breathe and move. This helps me to ground myself back into my own sense of self. My sense of self is a feeling of being at home within myself, it’s hard to put this experience into words but it’s like returning into my life after being in someone else’s. These post-session rituals remind me that while I can sit alongside another’s grief, it does not belong to me.

Grief can unsettle a person’s sense of self. It can feel like the “you” that once existed no longer fits or that a part of you is missing. To me, a sense of self means being able to touch into your own truth; the parts of you that remain steady and the parts that are changing. When I sit with someone grieving, I show up with gentleness and openness to support them to find their own way back to themselves.

Person-centred theory is at the heart of how I work with grief. Its core conditions: empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard are not techniques to be applied but ways of being. This means that when I sit with someone in grief, I don’t try to lead them anywhere. Instead, I trust their inner process and their authentic self to move in the direction it needs. Sometimes that direction is towards acceptance, sometimes towards protest, sometimes towards a deeper connection with their loved one’s memory. Whatever path grief takes, it is the client’s path not mine.

There is always a delicate balance between being moved by grief and staying grounded. If I allow myself to feel moved, I show my client that their pain matters and that it’s okay to let these feelings surface. However if I let myself be swept away, I risk leaving them alone with it. So I stand with them, close enough to feel and steady enough to hold.

Person-centred grief counselling is not about easing pain quickly or finding answers. It’s about companionship in a time when the world feels empty or incomprehensible. It’s about creating a space where grief can be held without judgement, without agenda and with deep respect for the unique journey of the person living it.